What My 10-Year-Old Taught Me About Friendship and Running

Written by Jaci Schuerholz, a Baltimore based mother runner who has been running for 20+ years.

Key Takeaways

• Running friendships do more than add miles. They boost motivation, accountability, and a sense of belonging.

• Exercising in sync with others is linked to a higher pain threshold (Cohen et al., 2010).

• Sport supports kids' and teens' psychological and social health, not just their fitness (Eime et al., 2013).

• Belonging is a basic human need, not a bonus (Baumeister & Leary, 1995).

• You can be competitive and still celebrate other runners. Someone else's success takes nothing away from yours

This year, my son turned 10 and decided to join his school's cross-country team. His school is a bit unique in that fifth graders are allowed to join a team traditionally reserved for middle schoolers in grades 6 through 9.

I don't know for certain whether he joined because his runner mom had inspired him over the years or because he wanted to hop on the bandwagon with his classmates. Root cause aside, I was pretty stoked and proud of him for organically choosing to participate in something he knew would steal away a portion of his free time and challenge him in unfamiliar ways.

Before the season started, I knew I was proud of him and that I would love watching his journey unfold. What I didn't expect was how much I would learn from the experience myself. That realization came during his third meet of the season.

It was an entirely optional two-mile race on a rolling grass course. I should mention that we live in Baltimore City, so cross-country for my son looks a little different than it might for kids growing up in the suburbs. He and his teammates typically run on pavement. So the opportunity to race on grass made me even more impressed that he and his fifth-grade crew had willingly signed up for the challenge.

As I watched these city mice take to the fresh grass and bravely set out to conquer two tough miles, it dawned on me that I wasn't just watching a race. I was watching the absolute magic of friendship in action.

I watched friends supporting and believing in one another. I witnessed intrinsic compassion and unfiltered goodness in the eyes and hearts of these young athletes. Top contenders waited at the finish line for their buddies to come through. There were loud, emphatic cheers, soft hands patting shoulders, kind eyes offering congratulations, and heads shaking in genuine admiration for one another's perseverance and success.

And the best part, I thought to myself as I watched: nobody told these kids to celebrate each other. Nobody asked them to wait respectfully for their peers to finish. Nobody reminded them that their teammates' successes didn't diminish their own. They just knew it, and they just did it. To say that I was deeply moved by their sportsmanship and camaraderie doesn't begin to express the magnitude of my emotion as I stood on the sideline that day.

Watching my son experience running in his own special way opened my eyes to how relevant human connection and social bonding are to the sport I hold so close to my heart.

Why Friendship Matters in Running

Running can be a solitary sport if you choose to make it one. Sure, much of the work happens alone, between you and the road, the trail, the treadmill, or whatever route you choose. But what I've learned from watching my son this year is just how special it is to be supported by friends, and how much those friendships can benefit our overall success and, more importantly, our emotional and mental well-being.

Photo by Sarah Stafford

It's cliché to say that together we go far, but it's true. I think a lot of this has to do with the fact that it's a natural human tendency to doubt our own abilities. We question whether we're capable, whether we belong, and whether we have what it takes to do the hard thing in front of us. We fear we may fail or fall short of our own or others' expectations. And unfortunately, these feelings can often stop us from even trying. But when someone else believes in us, the impossible can start to feel a little more possible.

Sometimes, that external belief is what dares us to try in the first place. Sometimes, it's what carries us through the hardest mile when we start to doubt ourselves. And other times, it's simply knowing that someone will be waiting for us at the finish line, regardless of how fast we get there, that really matters.

Friendship in running isn't just about having someone to log the miles with, or someone who "gets your crazy" and understands why you'd willingly wake up before sunrise to run for two-plus hours. It's about having people who truly see you. They see your effort, they celebrate your progress, they encourage you when you're struggling, and they remind you that your worth as a runner and as a human being has never been defined by a finish time.

And when we offer that same support to someone else, we get to experience the other side of it, too. We get to be the person cheering at the finish line, the person who shows up for a run when a friend is in desperate need of a little company, and the person who reminds someone of their strength when they can't see it for themselves. And it feels SO good.

Watching those kids celebrate one another reminded me that running really doesn't have to be a competition in which someone else's success comes at our own expense. On the surface, we may run races to win or to hit our own best mark, but what's really at the heart of the sport is growth, accomplishing hard things, feeling proud of and happy about what we do, and the people standing next to us.

Friendship Makes Hard Stuff Feel Easier

Turns out there's an actual physiological reason that having people beside us can make challenging physical experiences feel different.

Research has found that exercising in synchrony with others is associated with a higher pain threshold. In a study of elite university rowers, researchers found that rowing in sync as a group was linked to greater pain tolerance than training alone (Cohen et al., 2010). That suggests working hard alongside others may influence how we experience physical discomfort.

Of course, friendship isn't a magic pill for a hard workout, and no amount of encouragement is going to make a physical challenge feel easy. But there's evidence that having someone beside us can change the experience for the better. Knowing we're not doing something hard alone can be enough to help us keep going, even if we aren't consciously aware that it's happening.

Photo by Sarah Stafford

And the benefits aren't just about getting through a tough workout. Sport can also give us something equally important: a place where we feel like we belong.

Sports Give People a Place to Belong

There's also research supporting the idea that sport offers more than physical benefits. A 2013 systematic review by Eime and colleagues found that participation in sport can support children's and adolescents' psychological and social health, including opportunities for social interaction and connection. In simpler terms, sport can offer more than a place to compete or improve a skill. It can offer a place to connect.

Watching my son and his teammates, I saw what that can look like in real time. They didn't have to run the same pace or finish in the same place to be part of the group. None of that mattered. They belonged simply because they were in it together, and that felt comforting.

And I think that's something worth remembering as adult runners, too. We don't all have to be training for the same race, chasing the same goals, or running the same pace to find community in this sport. We don't even have to be at the same stage of our running journeys. We just have to show up for one another.

Relationships Matter More Than Results

AND research supports the idea that our relationships aren't just a nice bonus in life. Connection is actually a fundamental human need. In a widely cited review, psychologists Roy Baumeister and Mark Leary (1995) argued that people have a basic need to form and maintain meaningful relationships.

That's something we can lose sight of so quickly when we get caught up in results. We can become so focused on the time on the clock, the PR, or where we finished that we forget about the people beside us. But the people who cheer for us, challenge us, and make us feel like we belong are what make the experience meaningful in the first place.

Watching my son's teammates, I was reminded that two things can be true: you can celebrate your own finish line while cheering for someone else's. One person's success doesn't take a single thing away from another's, and sometimes the best part of running (or sport) has nothing to do with results.

I think that, as adult runners (adults, period?), we're quick to forget what really matters. As we age, we can lose some of that natural instinct to make decisions with our hearts, as kids often do. We get lost in the numbers and make the mistake of prioritizing them over the joy we feel inside.

And caring about our performance isn't inherently bad. It's great to set goals and work hard to achieve them. I'm a super competitive person myself, and I think that trait can be quite advantageous in sport. But it's important that we keep ourselves in check and remember that true joy isn't contingent on athletic success. It can absolutely be found in friendships and connection.

On top of that, adult friendships are MUCH harder to cultivate and maintain than the ones we had as kids. But running friendships hold special potential, because good sportsmanship requires respect, open communication, reciprocal support, and a willingness to stay humble. Those are all pivotal building blocks of strong relationships.

Perspective From a 10-Year-Old

I went into this cross-country season expecting to watch my son learn more about running. I expected him to learn about pushing himself physically, working toward a goal, and experiencing the satisfaction that comes from doing something hard.

I think it's safe to say he has learned all of those things. But the best part is that I also watched him and his teammates demonstrate something that I think we adults could really stand to pay attention to. Those kids celebrated one another without being asked, waited for one another without being told, and recognized and appreciated each other's accomplishments without treating someone else's success as a threat.

They understood, in the most uncomplicated way, that they could compete against one another and still be on the same team. That's the reminder so many of us runners need. We can chase PRs, work toward big goals, and take pride in our accomplishments. We can be competitive and want to see what we're capable of. BUT we don't have to lose sight of the people running beside us in the process.

When it really comes down to it, the miles we run and the times we achieve are only part of the story, and they'll fade with time. The friendships we build, the people who show up for us, and the people we show up for are what make the journey meaningful. These are the connections that last long after the race is over, and I'd say they're worth investing in.

If my 10-year-old and his fifth-grade crew have anything to teach us, it's that we don't have to wait until someone tells us to celebrate one another. We can just do it. And maybe, if we carry a little more of that childlike spirit with us, we'll find that the best part of running was never about how fast we get to the finish line. It's about who is there when we arrive, and who we cheer on along the way.

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Frequently Asked Questions

Why is friendship important in running?

Friendship makes running more enjoyable, keeps us motivated and accountable, and reminds us we're not alone in facing hard challenges. It can even be the driving force that gets us started on our running journey! Running friends celebrate our progress, encourage us through difficult workouts or races, and support us unconditionally. Beyond the physical benefits, these relationships provide a sense of belonging and connection that makes running more meaningful.

What are the benefits of running with friends?

Running with friends brings motivation, accountability, encouragement, joy, and the chance to build lifelong relationships. A friend can make challenging workouts feel more manageable and give you something to look forward to besides the run itself. Research on rowers even links exercising in sync with others to a higher pain threshold (Cohen et al., 2010). Running together lets us celebrate one another, borrow each other's belief when we can't find it within ourselves, learn from different experiences, and build a strong, supportive community around a shared interest.

Can running help you make friends as an adult?

YES! Making friends as an adult can be tough. Kids, work, and life get in the way, and it's also just hard to find your people. Running is an incredible way to connect with others who share your passion. Joining a running club, showing up to group runs, volunteering at races, or training for an event with others can help you meet people outside your usual social circles. You don't have to run the same pace or share the same goals to build a meaningful friendship. Simply showing up consistently can spark connection.

Can you be competitive and still support other runners?

100%! Competitiveness and camaraderie can absolutely coexist in running. In fact, sport is famous for turning rivals into friends. (Remember Larry Bird and Magic Johnson?) You can work toward a PR, challenge yourself to improve, and take pride in your accomplishments while genuinely celebrating another runner's success, too. Someone else's achievement doesn't diminish your own. Learning to appreciate other runners' efforts makes the sport more rewarding and helps create a healthier, more supportive community.

What can children teach adults about sportsmanship?

Children remind us that supporting others doesn't have to be complicated. It comes so naturally to them, and while it may not feel quite as instinctive for adults, kids can motivate us to be joyful sportspeople: cheering for teammates, congratulating great performances, or simply recognizing someone else's effort. Watching young athletes celebrate one another is a powerful reminder that competition doesn't have to come at the expense of kindness.

How can runners build a stronger sense of community?

Make it less about yourself! If you give joy, joy will give back to you. Cheer for other runners, congratulate someone on a milestone, invite a friend to join you for a run (even if they're a little slower than you!), or offer encouragement to someone you notice is having a tough day. Celebrate effort as much as results, and remember that runners at every pace and experience level have something valuable to contribute. A strong community is built by consistently showing up for one another!

About the Author

Jaci is a 41 year old mother of 4. She is a domestic engineer by day who moonlights as a purveyor of running shoes. She is uber passionate about running and has made it her mission in life to promote the sport. With a particular fondness for the marathon distance (she’s run 22 to date), Jaci is a self-proclaimed masochist and enjoys a healthy grind. Don’t worry, she’s learned the hard way that she isn’t invincible and now takes more time to stop and smell the roses. If you see her in the wild, she will almost always be wearing a headband, bike shorts, and compression socks. Jaci hopes that everyone can find joy in movement like she does and that we can all take ourselves a little less seriously.

References

Cohen, E. E. A., Ejsmond-Frey, R., Knight, N., & Dunbar, R. I. M. (2010). Rowers' high: Behavioural synchrony is correlated with elevated pain thresholds. Biology Letters, 6(1), 106–108. https://doi.org/10.1098/rsbl.2009.0670

Eime, R. M., Young, J. A., Harvey, J. T., Charity, M. J., & Payne, W. R. (2013). A systematic review of the psychological and social benefits of participation in sport for children and adolescents: Informing development of a conceptual model of health through sport. International Journal of Behavioral Nutrition and Physical Activity, 10, 98. https://doi.org/10.1186/1479-5868-10-98

Baumeister, R. F., & Leary, M. R. (1995). The need to belong: Desire for interpersonal attachments as a fundamental human motivation. Psychological Bulletin, 117(3), 497–529. https://doi.org/10.1037/0033-2909.117.3.497